Should I share? Do I have the right? Did I “suffer enough” to be in the club? Will people understand? These are questions that swirl around my head. Below is a post I was suppose to publish on March 31st (my rainbow baby’s birthday) I chickened out. I was nervous to share my story. Being vulnerable is nerve wracking. I know I’m lucky to have a good outcome but maybe it’s not fair to people who are not there yet. I know that even having a few kids is a bigger blessing than many. I talked myself out of posting, I played it safe. But it’s been weighing on me since then and now that it is infertility awareness week I am once again called to share. I had a conversation with a few woman who encourage for me to share. Others who have their own journey and draw strength from community. My hope is that if I can give even one person hope then sharing is worth it. I know the pain of suffering in silence. I don’t want anyone else to experience that. Here is my story.
A decade has passed since my life changed forever. My husband and I are blessed with 5 beautiful & rambunctious boys. I know it’s not obvious, and you may never guess, yet I suffered from secondary infertility. I had my first two children at 21 and 23 and somewhat took for granted the immense miracle of pregnancy and childbirth. When trying for a third baby that all changed.
Growing up in a large orthodox family (I’m one of 7), I always knew I wanted many children. I’m not sure I had an exact number but definitely more than 2. When my second son was around three old we started to be concerned. Why wasn’t I getting pregnant again? We waited a few more months. We tried, we prayed, we spoke to doctors.
We endured lots of comments asking when the next one was coming. We got a lot of unsolicited advice on how if we just stopped worrying it would all be ok because indeed I got pregnant in the past.
Within a few more months, I was diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome basically meant I ovulated spontaneously and it is hard to know when and if I was in fact ovulating. The journey was very lonely. 13 years ago there was not much support for secondary infertility. In fact, no one really spoke about experiencing it, and many people I knew never even heard of it. We felt like there was no where really to turn.
To make a long story short, I went through lots of hormones, drugs and IUI’s all to no avail. After 4 years I finally got pregnant with a healthy baby and things were looking up. Sadly, due to a bacteria unrelated to my fertility journey, we lost that baby at 20 weeks gestation. We were devastated to say the least. To lose our baby after such a long wait was heart wrenching for us and our boys who were anxiously awaiting their new sibling.
After that we tried a few more things and ended up doing IVF. After a long and grueling process I was pregnant with twins! At 10 weeks we lost those babies. Once again our hopes were crushed. Would we forever be a family of four? It was time to be ok with what was.
Miraculously and by the grace of G-d I got pregnant naturally while on a break from treatment. After 6 long and painful years we were blessed with a brand new baby in our arms. Getzy was the light of our home (his name means light of G-d) and all of us fell instantly in love.
Thank G-d, two and half years later and four and a half years after that (with an ectopic pregnancy in the middle which I won’t get into now) we were fortunate to be blessed with another 2 boys.
I am so grateful that this topic is discussed more openly now and there is support for those going through this journey. I am so grateful to organizations such as Yesh Tikvah for spreading awareness and caring for women like me. Thank G-d I now volunteer to be a support for women going through similar situations and I am always here to talk if you or someone you know wants to talk.
I feel blessed for my children and for my journey. One of the silver linings is my ability to better understand many of my clients who have gone through a fertility journey of their own. Each child and family is unique and has their own story. I am here to help document your story. I don’t take any baby for granted and I am beyond lucky to be able to photograph these tiniest little blessings.
